November 15th, 2008

November 15th, 2008

Last night I went to the movies with some folks from Emmanuel House, just to spend some time together. I enjoyed myself and was glad to have been a part of the group and the community that night, but I find myself left with a feeling that I can't but think is unhealthy.

With the help of some of these same people from Emma House, I discovered that I was a lonely person. I've been so for so long that it's kind of become a part of my personality. I also made the realization that to remedy this, to comfort this, the solution is completely out of my hands and in the hands of other, and ultimately in God's.

That being said, when I was invited out with this group of people (whom I'm growing to love), it felt to me a bit as a "charitable" invitation. Something like, "oh, poor Henry, he is lonely and needs people to hand out with, let's invite him."

I suppose this points to a lacking sense of self worth. I don't consider myself interesting enough, or likable or charismatic enough to be a part of a group on my own merit alone. I think I tend to see any invitation as, not a desire spend time with me, to appreciate me for who I am, but rather either a desire to utilize my abilities, or a desire to help someone "in need".

I could write on this for a long while, which probably means that I should, but my time is short and I need to go.