November 14th, 2008
Yesterday at my meeting with Will, we talked mostly about what I'd experienced the weekend previous at the retreat. He helped me to discover, or at least verbalize the fact that I don't trust God for my own well being.
I talked about how I'd uncovered that fact that I was a lonely person, always looking for community and folks to be with, and that I couldn't do anything to fix that. The remedy for this "condition" is left squarely in the hands of others, and ultimately in the hands of God. This is a hard pill to swallow. I've always been fairly independent. I haven't really had occasion to trust others with day to day things (even most big things, I tend to work it out myself). It's difficult for me to think that my well being, mental and spiritual is in the hands of someone other than me. Even as I type this, I find myself thinking, "I have to learn this quickly so I can move on and deal with life the rest of the people in the world," putting, once again, the responsibility in MY court to make things work. It's a bit redundant to say this, but I will need God to shape me into conformity with this newly discovered reality.
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