September 28, 2008

September 28, 2008

Today is Sunday and I spent the morning at theWELL. The message that was delivered was a bit disjointed and very hard to follow, but the end was, from what I could tell, designed to evoke emotion. It did. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. But as I was sitting, listening to the speaker, I was trying to identify the emotion that I was feeling. I couldn't. Maybe it was gratitude for God's willing to take me back even though I've defiled myself and repeatedly broken the marriage covenant between myself and Jesus. Perhaps it was joy that I have been redeemed and accepted by God. Perhaps it was sorrow over inability to leave behind the things separate me from him. I don't know.

I was trying to look into my heart, and it wasn't working. It was like looking through frosted glass. I could see there was something there, I could make out movement, but I couldn't tell what it was. Will, the man who's leading in my Spiritual Direction 'class' challenged me to write down or write about the emotions I feel throughout the week. If this is any indication of what my attempts to look inside myself will be like, I will have a difficult identifying anything. I can tell that I'm feeling, but I can't put a finger on what I'm feeling. God, open my eyes that I may be able to see within my own heart.