October 9th, 2008

October 9th, 2008

Yesterday afternoon, as I was reading the last few chapters of Dr. Crabb's Finding God, I began to feel a frustration about my relationship with God. I don't feel like I have any sort of real relationship with him at all, not like the relationships I have with others. I don't know if that's what it will feel like, or if it's something completely different, but I don't know because I have no idea what I'm looking for.

Crabb also mentions people in the context of marriage quite a bit in his examples. This frustrated me further because I really, really want a wife (I've even got someone in mind for the position), but things just aren't seeming to move at a rate that will lead to that end. I don't know, I could be surprised, something could happen out of the blue and I could find myself engaged, but I can't see that happening in the near future. I'm twenty-five, and while I haven't got everything figured out yet, I still want someone to share the journey with me on an intimate level. I want someone to poor my heart into (I don't feel as though I can do that with God, because he feels distant and detached). I need an outlet that will appreciate and cherish (and reciprocate) what I'm wanting to give.

God, if you can do that... if you can be that, show me how I can feel you and love you in a real way, and how I can feel your love for me in a real way.