September 17th, 2008
Today I'm feeling especially un-energetic. I was tired all day at work, and when I got home I took about an hour nap, but I was still tired. It was a beautiful day outside, and it still is, but I feel like I can't enjoy it because I feel so stinkin' tired!
I think I'm feeling the effects having little to no fellowship. I live by myself, so I come home to an empty house. I have meetings at least twice a week, and I'm around people for most of the day at work, and nearly all day on Sundays, but I don't really have much if any good fellowship. I can't point to a group of people that I get together with and commune with God with (I don't even feel as though I am communing with God when I'm alone). It's ironic. I'm reading a book called finding God, and I feel as though I'm drifting further and further away.
But, I suppose that is some of what the book is talking about. Finding God happens when we discover that it's not about us, and how we feel, but rather it's about God, and simply who He is. When we can enjoy God for who He is without entering how we feel into the equation, that's when we find God. I can't do that yet. I don't know how to even begin to start down that path (or if I even can). I can't will myself to see God. God has to reveal himself to me.
God, lead me to a place where I can see you apart from me, where I can see your goodness, and appreciate your character and power with out factoring in what I'm getting out of the deal.
As I write that prayer, I realize that I pray that mainly because I'm tired or feeling alone and disconnected. Even my desire to see God apart from me is a ploy to make me feel better.... Sigh
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